What More Can They Do In 18 Months?

Gillard, Slipper and Thomson. Courtesy The AustralianSeriously, what more can this lot do while they cling to perks for the tribe?

We’re really only half way through the celebration of competence that is the Gillard government, and whatever they do for the next 18 months won’t have much to do with governing.

Any scenario I imagine probably won’t be half as bad as reality. But I’ll try:

  • three months before the election Craig Thomson appointed to the Embassy in Bangkok. Most qualified appointment in decades.
  • Wayne Swan discovers Excel has a neat graph function.
  • Lee Rhiannon forces ALP legislation banning the use of married names, unless they are Sar,  Dzhugashvili,  Ulyanov or Guevara.
  • Anthony Albanese starts elocution lessons in preparation for a leadership run. Wife Carmel attends because people are mistaking her for NSW Opposition Leader John Robertson in a wig.
  • Government nationalises the car industry, makes Paul Howes Car Czar and forces Toyota to only hire safety officers and shop stewards. Compo premiums go through the roof for sitting-related injuries.
  • Bob Carr has a senior’s moment, writes a blog post and starts a war with Djibouti.
  • Bill Shorten promises Sarah Hanson-Young the ALP leadership as part of a grand plan, then agrees that he disagrees with whatever he thought she will have said but didn’t. Hanson-Young wears Goth bustier to the House, then accuses media of sexism for showing cleavage.
  • Joel Fitzgibbon learns Mandarin for “How much?”
  • Consistent with his analysis of the Queensland election, Bill Ludwig gets the government to send anti-ALP voters to a gender reassignment camp.
  • As a stimulus and to shore-up Green votes, all unemployed are paid median wages to teaspoon-fill Peabody and Rio open cut mines.
  • Kevin Rudd breaks the Twitter banality barrier.

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